❰ good. good, emil seems to be listening to him. which is... good, because lalli doesn't know if he could push himself any farther than that. if he could articulate it any better or more effectively.
but then things are turning back on him, and lalli finally breaks the contact between their heads (though not between their hands) to cast his gaze off to a moonlit patch of floor with a dubious sort of huff.
after a moment, ❱ I believe you don't think it is.
( Emil tilts his head to try and find Lalli's gaze now that their heads aren't together. He can deal with overcoming his own shortcomings, even if it's currently a hard pill to swallow, but he can't let Lalli continue to think he has some fault in this mess.
Both of his hands hold onto the Finn's, now, as if he hopes the stronger grasp can put an emphasis his feelings. ) I'm responsible for what I did or didn't do. ( Which remains something that he finds some surrealism in; Emil has had to say and own a lot of things he's grown into. ) And because of that, you did what you had to. You could have been hurt or died otherwise.
( There's a certain desperation that enters his voice now, thinking back so vividly to those memories Lalli says aren't his own. Things weren't as bad as they could have been because Lalli is as strong as he is. Were the roles reversed, things would have been much worse. ) I don't blame you for anything, so please don't blame yourself.
❰ lalli does have some fault in this mess. emil trusted him and lalli let him down. then emil wasn't alive to trust him anymore, and he still managed to let him down a second time.
it's a fact that lalli can't let go of and emil won't let him hang onto.
other things emil wouldn't like: any sort of confession that 'you could've been hurt or died' wouldn't have been an outcome he would've been too upset about, at that point. better than trying to figure out how to live beyond that battle.
but it's fine. there's a compromise here, simple enough that even lalli can see it. ❱ Doesn't matter whose fault, does it? ❰ he lets emil catch his gaze now, not quite directly but more so than before. ❱ It's done now. ❰ isn't it? it feels like it is, but lalli might just be hopeful and stupid. ❱
( Even if Lalli is looking past him in the moment, it's comforting enough that Emil's top hand lets go of their still-shared grip, not feeling so passionate about the need to get through to him.
Maybe he still does, but that's not the argument he's being presented with at the moment. He wants to be stubborn and push it. To make sure Lalli knows with every cell of his brain that he didn't do anything wrong. But he's having a hard time letting go of his guilt immediately, so maybe this is exactly like that. Emil can't knock this down in one conversation. )
It's done. ( Accented with a slow and bobbing nod, as well as a final squeeze to Lalli's hand before he lets go. With one more sigh, expelling more of the residual anxiety in his lungs, it's easier to see how much of the tension is leaving his body slowly but surely. Emil feels his shoulders sag with the realization, body language tired but relieved. ) I'm glad. I've missed things just being normal.
❰ and though the contact between them is lessening, it's more a relief than anything. not because lalli objects to the touch, but because this is proof that things don't break the instant the contact between them does. emil's words just confirm it, really. 'i've missed things just being normal.' ❱
It's better, ❰ lalli agrees, nodding a little. it's as close to 'i've missed it, too' as he can really manage. maybe one day he'll be better at this. in the meantime, it's punctuated by a pretty robust yawn, which he wipes away with the back of his hand as if to deny the existence of it. part of him still feels like if he falls asleep, he'll wake up back into a reality where everything's still not okay. ❱
( In all of this, Emil almost forget that this was essentially the middle of the night. He is tired. Not totally a comfortable kind of tired, but it's certainly the closest he's felt to it in quite some time. The fact that it will come closer as time goes on is relieving to him; he's missed getting a good night's sleep.
No matter what they'd resolved, there are things that will still make it difficult. That shooting pain in his head that interrupts him in the middle of the night on occasion, or dreaming about the sensation of dying or his time as an undead wight. But if he can check off this anxiety, that's something.
At the moment, Lalli seems more tired if that large yawn is anything to go by. It's obvious enough that a small smile comes across Emil's face. )
Go ahead and lay back down. ( He'll also follow his own suggestion and stretch his legs sideways, scooting over to accommodate Lalli's crossed legs before he scoots his own under his blankets, pulling them over his body as much as he can while he goes flat. Emil won't be asleep for a while, but it'll solidify that feeling of comfort to look over soon and see his friend's curled body, knowing that things will be okay from here on. )
❰ despite emil's encouragement, lalli watches the swede settle into his own spot, seeming almost indecisive. it would honestly be a pretty fair guess to assume that he's not entirely comforted by the conversation after all - but that's not at all the case.
instead, he's uncrossing his legs to carefully slide down under emil's blanket(s), on whichever side he's facing away from. he stops once they're parallel, reaching up to drag a pillow down to his new location, but he doesn't really use it yet. for now, his forehead finds the hollow between emil's shoulder blades, the fingertips of one hand resting beside it. whether this is for him or for emil, he's not entirely sure. ❱
God natt, ❰ he mutters, eyes finally closing for the first time since they first attempted to go to bed. ❱
( The sudden movement doesn't surprise Emil, but where it shifts towards does. There's some maneuvering, shifting within the mattress before Lalli winds up so far away from his usual spot, out of sight. It's not as concerning as it might be otherwise in this vulnerable moment, as he feels the hard surface of Lalli's head against his back, with the ghost of his fingers finding a place right beside it.
His breath slows to a stop suddenly, aware that where Lalli is placed, he'll be able to feel the exact moments of Emil's inhales and exhales. After a moment, his breath goes in again as he lets his muscles relax. This is something he couldn't ask for. Not so close to all of this turmoil coming to an end, and not even in general. But he wants it. There's something very soothing about even just a simple touch that says 'I'm here, you're here too.' For that, Emil is grateful. )
God natt.( There's an inward curse; he should have said it back in Finnish instead of just parroting back what he'd heard. His next exhale is long and slow, but he's careful not to jostle himself too much. For as long as Lalli is willing to be there, he'd like to feel that safe, soft presence. )
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but then things are turning back on him, and lalli finally breaks the contact between their heads (though not between their hands) to cast his gaze off to a moonlit patch of floor with a dubious sort of huff.
after a moment, ❱ I believe you don't think it is.
no subject
( Emil tilts his head to try and find Lalli's gaze now that their heads aren't together. He can deal with overcoming his own shortcomings, even if it's currently a hard pill to swallow, but he can't let Lalli continue to think he has some fault in this mess.
Both of his hands hold onto the Finn's, now, as if he hopes the stronger grasp can put an emphasis his feelings. ) I'm responsible for what I did or didn't do. ( Which remains something that he finds some surrealism in; Emil has had to say and own a lot of things he's grown into. ) And because of that, you did what you had to. You could have been hurt or died otherwise.
( There's a certain desperation that enters his voice now, thinking back so vividly to those memories Lalli says aren't his own. Things weren't as bad as they could have been because Lalli is as strong as he is. Were the roles reversed, things would have been much worse. ) I don't blame you for anything, so please don't blame yourself.
no subject
it's a fact that lalli can't let go of and emil won't let him hang onto.
other things emil wouldn't like: any sort of confession that 'you could've been hurt or died' wouldn't have been an outcome he would've been too upset about, at that point. better than trying to figure out how to live beyond that battle.
but it's fine. there's a compromise here, simple enough that even lalli can see it. ❱ Doesn't matter whose fault, does it? ❰ he lets emil catch his gaze now, not quite directly but more so than before. ❱ It's done now. ❰ isn't it? it feels like it is, but lalli might just be hopeful and stupid. ❱
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Maybe he still does, but that's not the argument he's being presented with at the moment. He wants to be stubborn and push it. To make sure Lalli knows with every cell of his brain that he didn't do anything wrong. But he's having a hard time letting go of his guilt immediately, so maybe this is exactly like that. Emil can't knock this down in one conversation. )
It's done. ( Accented with a slow and bobbing nod, as well as a final squeeze to Lalli's hand before he lets go. With one more sigh, expelling more of the residual anxiety in his lungs, it's easier to see how much of the tension is leaving his body slowly but surely. Emil feels his shoulders sag with the realization, body language tired but relieved. ) I'm glad. I've missed things just being normal.
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It's better, ❰ lalli agrees, nodding a little. it's as close to 'i've missed it, too' as he can really manage. maybe one day he'll be better at this. in the meantime, it's punctuated by a pretty robust yawn, which he wipes away with the back of his hand as if to deny the existence of it. part of him still feels like if he falls asleep, he'll wake up back into a reality where everything's still not okay. ❱
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No matter what they'd resolved, there are things that will still make it difficult. That shooting pain in his head that interrupts him in the middle of the night on occasion, or dreaming about the sensation of dying or his time as an undead wight. But if he can check off this anxiety, that's something.
At the moment, Lalli seems more tired if that large yawn is anything to go by. It's obvious enough that a small smile comes across Emil's face. )
Go ahead and lay back down. ( He'll also follow his own suggestion and stretch his legs sideways, scooting over to accommodate Lalli's crossed legs before he scoots his own under his blankets, pulling them over his body as much as he can while he goes flat. Emil won't be asleep for a while, but it'll solidify that feeling of comfort to look over soon and see his friend's curled body, knowing that things will be okay from here on. )
no subject
instead, he's uncrossing his legs to carefully slide down under emil's blanket(s), on whichever side he's facing away from. he stops once they're parallel, reaching up to drag a pillow down to his new location, but he doesn't really use it yet. for now, his forehead finds the hollow between emil's shoulder blades, the fingertips of one hand resting beside it. whether this is for him or for emil, he's not entirely sure. ❱
God natt, ❰ he mutters, eyes finally closing for the first time since they first attempted to go to bed. ❱
no subject
His breath slows to a stop suddenly, aware that where Lalli is placed, he'll be able to feel the exact moments of Emil's inhales and exhales. After a moment, his breath goes in again as he lets his muscles relax. This is something he couldn't ask for. Not so close to all of this turmoil coming to an end, and not even in general. But he wants it. There's something very soothing about even just a simple touch that says 'I'm here, you're here too.' For that, Emil is grateful. )
God natt. ( There's an inward curse; he should have said it back in Finnish instead of just parroting back what he'd heard. His next exhale is long and slow, but he's careful not to jostle himself too much. For as long as Lalli is willing to be there, he'd like to feel that safe, soft presence. )