( The 'I know.' is basically expected. It just seems like a very Lalli thing to say to something like that, and it's not like Emile needs more than that anyway. Everything feels like it's basically smoothed over, but it feels good to get out an apology regardless.
It's the rest of it that he feels the urge to balk at. He wanted Lalli to be more open with him, but it still comes as a surprise that his wishes are being fulfilled. To top it off, he didn't really think he'd hear something so...honest? The sentiments also don't fully make sense to him. )
I didn't think about it as being weak -- you aren't. ( Maybe it's because he doesn't have a lot of examples to hold him up to. Maybe it's just the truth. Regardless, it's as true as can be to Emil. Lalli is basically all strength, in how much he does, in how much he can do. Not to mention what all he's had to go through, most of which he isn't even cognizant of. )
I don't expect you to be all yourself after that. Or, I wouldn't have expected it, if I knew.
❰ of course the sentiments don't fully make sense to him. lalli's perspective rarely makes sense to anyone, beyond the surface level. beyond what emil or anyone else gleans in his day-to-day life. lalli knows that. it's one of the main reasons he's never bothered to try and share it.
but that's what emil wanted and that's what emil's getting, at least so long as he doesn't make lalli regret it.
really, there's so many different things he could say to all of that. he can say that he may not be weak now but he was at the time. he can try to explain the ice he nearly fell through in tyr's dorm when klaus decided to talk about it, or the struggle not to drown before that surface froze over at all.
he can say that emil doesn't know anything, and how obvious that is with every single word he speaks, because obviously he expected lalli to be himself - the first sign that something was off sent him storming back to tyr thinking the finn was mad at him.
he can ask why it's always so easy even for emil, of all people, to assume he's just being irrational.
but he doesn't say any of it, for so many reasons. instead, he hums slightly in acknowledgement, and after another few seconds of silence he rolls his shoulders in a bit of a stretch. ❱
I'm tired. ❰ not some big overarching 'i'm exhausted with life', but quite literally 'those shadows kept us up long past bedtime and i'm tired'. ❱
( The most Emil feels he can ask for is for Lalli to talk. He got some talking, so he'll have to live with that. It satisfies him, as is, to have found some sort of medium where that may be possible. There's also quite a bit he's learned from all of this. Adapting approaches, a composite of Lalli's emotional state -- he'll let that sink in more when he's not otherwise preoccupied.
He also agrees with this sentiment: Emil, too, is tired. )
I could sleep. ( Like it's a casual suggestion, not a needed human requirement. He rubs his face absentmindedly, still slowly letting go of that sudden stress. It might be hard to fall asleep, but it'll be worth it once it finally comes.
The walk continues, towards "home." Emil tries to keep the silence this time, mind wandering and continuing the process of winding down. It feels like the thoughts come in spikes; as soon as he tries to push one thing away, something else will come a few moments later. Some are more invasive than others, but most are filled with processing. Thinking about all the things he thought about that feel so ridiculous now, like how he doubted Lalli's continued and consenting connection to him.
It's especially so in hindsight, seeing as they're both walking back to a shared sleeping space, not created by mission or force. It's something he's taken for granted as of late, but it becomes more comforting the longer he sits within the thought. Lalli wouldn't invite him in like that unless he wanted him there. He never seemed the type to appease favors unless he really wanted to.
Saying 'thank you' would feel unnecessary right now, or that it would just get met with a shrug. Hmm...he'll follow the mood and refrain from saying anything. It's better if he keeps it to himself, a nice cushion of surety to help finally calm his nerves. )
❰ and regardless of the ordeal they just waded through, lalli says that he's tired and emil says that he could sleep and it's really as simple as that. as simple as retreating to the quiet and dark of their shared refuge and letting their bodies' need for rest put a few hours of distance between them and the things that lalli said.
for once, emil doesn't break the silence. the occasional glance stolen his way tells lalli that he's no worse for wear because of it, no more lost in his own head than lalli himself is. so the finn sees no reason to interrupt it, not until they've made it back to their room and kicked off their shoes and he's curling up in his nest of bedding beside the foot of emil's mattress. ❱
Goodnight? ❰ there's only the slightest questioning undertone, grasping for any indication that emil is going to be lying awake and ruminating about everything he's learned. ❱
( They've been here a while now. A non-negligible amount of time. If he asked Lalli, he might be able to get an exact number of days. After nine days -- ten? -- well, the point of it is that he lost count. One day seemed to blend into the next, with the additional confusion of sleeping while the sun was out, not even during midsummer season.
It's not just the feeling of time, but how routine and homey certain things felt. Even with a longer amount of time spent in that tank most recently, there was never mistaking that as a place associated with anything other than a job. This, however, is so compact and lived in -- because it is a bedroom. It's messing with him. Adapting to it all is really hitting home now, perhaps because his mind is already doing a lot of wandering.
Emil considers all of this as he strips himself of his shawl, laying it across one of the mostly-bare tables. There's a lot of adapting to do. A new place to be, a new way to wake up and fall asleep. The most pressing matter: adapting to someone who isn't that new. The weight of that feels very present, currently. He could think about that, and so much more, as he adjusts his pillow, the thin blanket. Sleep, though, does sound like the better option. )
Goodnight. ( Emil breathes it out, with the exhaustion in his voice palpable. He will sleep. Eventually. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
It's the rest of it that he feels the urge to balk at. He wanted Lalli to be more open with him, but it still comes as a surprise that his wishes are being fulfilled. To top it off, he didn't really think he'd hear something so...honest? The sentiments also don't fully make sense to him. )
I didn't think about it as being weak -- you aren't. ( Maybe it's because he doesn't have a lot of examples to hold him up to. Maybe it's just the truth. Regardless, it's as true as can be to Emil. Lalli is basically all strength, in how much he does, in how much he can do. Not to mention what all he's had to go through, most of which he isn't even cognizant of. )
I don't expect you to be all yourself after that. Or, I wouldn't have expected it, if I knew.
no subject
but that's what emil wanted and that's what emil's getting, at least so long as he doesn't make lalli regret it.
really, there's so many different things he could say to all of that. he can say that he may not be weak now but he was at the time. he can try to explain the ice he nearly fell through in tyr's dorm when klaus decided to talk about it, or the struggle not to drown before that surface froze over at all.
he can say that emil doesn't know anything, and how obvious that is with every single word he speaks, because obviously he expected lalli to be himself - the first sign that something was off sent him storming back to tyr thinking the finn was mad at him.
he can ask why it's always so easy even for emil, of all people, to assume he's just being irrational.
but he doesn't say any of it, for so many reasons. instead, he hums slightly in acknowledgement, and after another few seconds of silence he rolls his shoulders in a bit of a stretch. ❱
I'm tired. ❰ not some big overarching 'i'm exhausted with life', but quite literally 'those shadows kept us up long past bedtime and i'm tired'. ❱
no subject
He also agrees with this sentiment: Emil, too, is tired. )
I could sleep. ( Like it's a casual suggestion, not a needed human requirement. He rubs his face absentmindedly, still slowly letting go of that sudden stress. It might be hard to fall asleep, but it'll be worth it once it finally comes.
The walk continues, towards "home." Emil tries to keep the silence this time, mind wandering and continuing the process of winding down. It feels like the thoughts come in spikes; as soon as he tries to push one thing away, something else will come a few moments later. Some are more invasive than others, but most are filled with processing. Thinking about all the things he thought about that feel so ridiculous now, like how he doubted Lalli's continued and consenting connection to him.
It's especially so in hindsight, seeing as they're both walking back to a shared sleeping space, not created by mission or force. It's something he's taken for granted as of late, but it becomes more comforting the longer he sits within the thought. Lalli wouldn't invite him in like that unless he wanted him there. He never seemed the type to appease favors unless he really wanted to.
Saying 'thank you' would feel unnecessary right now, or that it would just get met with a shrug. Hmm...he'll follow the mood and refrain from saying anything. It's better if he keeps it to himself, a nice cushion of surety to help finally calm his nerves. )
no subject
for once, emil doesn't break the silence. the occasional glance stolen his way tells lalli that he's no worse for wear because of it, no more lost in his own head than lalli himself is. so the finn sees no reason to interrupt it, not until they've made it back to their room and kicked off their shoes and he's curling up in his nest of bedding beside the foot of emil's mattress. ❱
Goodnight? ❰ there's only the slightest questioning undertone, grasping for any indication that emil is going to be lying awake and ruminating about everything he's learned. ❱
no subject
It's not just the feeling of time, but how routine and homey certain things felt. Even with a longer amount of time spent in that tank most recently, there was never mistaking that as a place associated with anything other than a job. This, however, is so compact and lived in -- because it is a bedroom. It's messing with him. Adapting to it all is really hitting home now, perhaps because his mind is already doing a lot of wandering.
Emil considers all of this as he strips himself of his shawl, laying it across one of the mostly-bare tables. There's a lot of adapting to do. A new place to be, a new way to wake up and fall asleep. The most pressing matter: adapting to someone who isn't that new. The weight of that feels very present, currently. He could think about that, and so much more, as he adjusts his pillow, the thin blanket. Sleep, though, does sound like the better option. )
Goodnight. ( Emil breathes it out, with the exhaustion in his voice palpable. He will sleep. Eventually. )