No. ( the word comes immediately, low and almost frustrated. that's the problem. he doesn't want to go, to a degree that is actually potentially hindering him from the obvious need to go regardless.
his next words are huffed with a scowl: ) But I'm the scout. ( a couple more paced steps, and a little shake of his head. ) They don't know what they're doing. ( he doesn't even know who's planning on climbing down the tunnel - they don't know what they're doing well enough for lalli to feel right about leaving them to it, regardless. )
❰ this is a subject best broached very carefully, and emil has reached a level of self-awareness that means he knows just how carefully to tread when questioning lalli. not just his logic or thinking; emil will admit grudgingly that lalli's the one of the two more often right. but this also regards his own sense of identity. that steadfast commitment to a role has followed him from the silent world to asgard, and now here. to be a scout and a mage...one is literally within his body, but the other might as well be as close. ❱
Lalli...you don't have to feel bad about it. And. ❰ this is the part where words matter, and he's grown enough to stop and think about how he wants to say this. ❱ You don't have to be the scout. At least, not all of the time.
❰ the kneejerk reaction to fulfill his duty, and in doing so helping others, isn't a negative trait. it's just one that emil wishes he didn't have such a death-grip on. ❱ It's okay to put what you really want to do first.
( he knows he doesn't have to feel bad about it. that doesn't really change the fact that he does - and not emotions-bad, but the kind of failure-bad that buzzes through his entire being, as if an echo of himself is doing the right thing in heading to the tunnel right this moment and the rest of him needs to stop being stupid and go catch up to it.
'you don't have to be the scout.' then what is he, if he isn't the scout? if there were other scouts, he could at least take shifts, but there aren't. it's just him. it's just him, and the concept of just not being this thing has an array of inscrutable emotions flickering across his expression, at least two of which look like he's about to speak but words don't quite come.
then, finally, he turns to fix eyes on emil. ) What if they die? ( he doesn't give the swede time to answer, closing in a step, brow knitting more sharply. ) Or get stuck in a loop in their heads where everyone else dies? ( like he did, the last time he scouted down a tunnel. it's the precise reason he wants nothing to do with this one. but that doesn't change the fact that if he did go, he'd at least be able to recognize it before they got stuck. )
❰ emil has a lot of sympathy to give other people at his core. he's never wished ill on anyone else, no more than an inconvenience or fantastical accident. so it's not as if he would want, in this hypothetical scenario, all those people stuck in the hole to perish. if he were directly there, in this moment, he himself would offer a helping hand in whatever way he could, albeit he would have no real forethought about what to do.
but the reality is they are far removed from the scenario, and there's a hierarchy of concern emil has established in life. however many people might be trapped in some sadistic well, none of them come before his care and concern for lalli. and especially in a world where their vitality could be so easily snuffed out. ❱
I wouldn't die. ( spoken with a scowl, as if it's a stupid thing to suggest - but that scowl fades a moment later, perhaps the only indication that he does indeed recognize the validity in emil's concern.
a sigh through his nose, and, ) They said you come back if you die, didn't they? So it doesn't matter. ( which isn't quite the point he wants to make, but he doesn't know how to articulate 'i've always known i'd probably die protecting others, so it's better me than someone who might actually be haunted by it'. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
his next words are huffed with a scowl: ) But I'm the scout. ( a couple more paced steps, and a little shake of his head. ) They don't know what they're doing. ( he doesn't even know who's planning on climbing down the tunnel - they don't know what they're doing well enough for lalli to feel right about leaving them to it, regardless. )
no subject
Lalli...you don't have to feel bad about it. And. ❰ this is the part where words matter, and he's grown enough to stop and think about how he wants to say this. ❱ You don't have to be the scout. At least, not all of the time.
❰ the kneejerk reaction to fulfill his duty, and in doing so helping others, isn't a negative trait. it's just one that emil wishes he didn't have such a death-grip on. ❱ It's okay to put what you really want to do first.
no subject
'you don't have to be the scout.' then what is he, if he isn't the scout? if there were other scouts, he could at least take shifts, but there aren't. it's just him. it's just him, and the concept of just not being this thing has an array of inscrutable emotions flickering across his expression, at least two of which look like he's about to speak but words don't quite come.
then, finally, he turns to fix eyes on emil. ) What if they die? ( he doesn't give the swede time to answer, closing in a step, brow knitting more sharply. ) Or get stuck in a loop in their heads where everyone else dies? ( like he did, the last time he scouted down a tunnel. it's the precise reason he wants nothing to do with this one. but that doesn't change the fact that if he did go, he'd at least be able to recognize it before they got stuck. )
no subject
but the reality is they are far removed from the scenario, and there's a hierarchy of concern emil has established in life. however many people might be trapped in some sadistic well, none of them come before his care and concern for lalli. and especially in a world where their vitality could be so easily snuffed out. ❱
And what if you went and you died?
no subject
a sigh through his nose, and, ) They said you come back if you die, didn't they? So it doesn't matter. ( which isn't quite the point he wants to make, but he doesn't know how to articulate 'i've always known i'd probably die protecting others, so it's better me than someone who might actually be haunted by it'. )