❰ the words earn a shrug, the vague lift of one shoulder. ❱ Maybe not. ❰ lalli doesn't see what good it does to talk about it, what he (or any of them) should or shouldn't have to handle. it doesn't change what they do have to handle. 'should' and 'shouldn't' don't matter. 'can' and 'can't' barely even matter. it's a lesson lalli learned young and hasn't forgotten since.
and one that emil has yet to truly figure out. but that's fine. this isn't the silent world. loath as lalli may be to admit it, emil can afford to be soft here... at least for the most part. ❱
But I can. ❰ the words are decisive, albeit a bit belated. then, in a far more offhanded tone than the words deserve: ❱ You help.
( That's certainly what he is. Soft. Maybe somewhere down the road, he'll thicken his skin enough to avoid panicking and terror at circumstances like this. But that's the future, unfortunately. Fortunately? Maybe both. )
Oh...? ( Even if the words are said with some indifference, it's a very weighty sentiment to Emil. He's too shaken up still to feel the fully effect of the emotional sensation, but it's certainly positive -- warm. He helps. Not only is it a jolt of an ego boost, but also something much deeper. The feeling of being helpful to someone you care about, especially concerning something so large...and from someone who doesn't lie or say thing unnecessarily.
No matter what Lalli's tone is, it's impossible to make those words unimportant.
Despite the weight those words have for Emil, reacting to them is hard, despite the slight calm they've brought to his body. Sometimes he can't shut up, sometimes he has no idea how to come back at something -- this would be the latter scenario. ) I don't know...I want that, you know? To help.
( A really dumb thing to regurgitate, but that's how he feels suddenly. Very dumb. It's also a choppy explanation of his actions, even if the new context that surrounds them is contributing to the sting he feels. That was his only goal, even if he should have taken the bigger picture into account. Whether or not he could have known is a different story, but it's not wrong to say his impulsive nature is a flaw.
❰ honestly, part of the outward indifference was intended to keep emil from getting his hopes up too badly. to convey that he helps without the swede expecting to help every time, because that's just... not something either of them can manage. too many things, emil can't actually do anything about. too many things, lalli has to face alone.
but while emil does seem to have latched onto this as badly as lalli worried he would, he finds that he's... not as upset by it as he should be. even if it does set them up for disappointment later on, here and now it's infinitely better than the desperate helplessness in his eye when he asked lalli how he could possibly forget. and while emil's words may be impressively obvious (even for him), they earn the slightest raise of an eyebrow and: ❱ I know. ❰ in a dry, patient sort of voice - as if he's just informed lalli that he's a swede.
a moment passes, and he casts a glance up at the tree that started all this. barely colored, with the sick-looking violet patch hanging halfway off as if the tree itself were trying to shed the blight. though it still towers overhead, it somehow seems that much smaller now than it did ten minutes ago. and as if that settles it, he says, ❱
C'mon.
❰ and with a vague reassuring pat on emil's shoulder, he's stepping past him to head off toward the edge of the park. they can walk and talk if they'd like, but there's no need to linger in that spot any longer than they already have. ❱
( There's a level of gratitude Emil feels at basically being led away from the catalyst tree. It's not ugly, but certain things that it represents are. He gives it another quick glance over, absorbing the mostly monochromatic colours. That flap of bark catches his eye one more time before he turns away, a few hopped steps behind Lalli before he catches up.
The walk is silent for a while. Lalli certainly isn't talkative under most conditions, and it's usually Emil's role to fill in those large gaps with something. Instead, he's pensive. He's not back to normal by any means, and there are a lot of long and frazzled threads smoothing themselves into a coil in his brain.
There's a lot he doesn't know still. About Lalli, about practically everything. But he's a person who puts in effort, even if it's effort on his own terms and pace. This is an instance where he's definitely willing to put in a little. )
I. ( It's a false start for around 10 seconds. There's a vague concept of what he wants to say swirling around his mind, but it takes some of that aforementioned effort to really find out what he wants to say. ) I didn't mean to chase you off. Uh. Twice.
( During those pensive moments, he revisits that guilt that accumulated in his heart when Lalli fled from him both times. How he still feels wronged, but also like he did some wrongs, too. There's a certain convenience in not being able to understand one another. You can plan out words and leave room for feelings to settle, instead of hurling around hurt in a common language.
It would also be really easy to add in some "buts" and "becauses," as well as bring up more concrete mentions of what was just discussed. In certain cases, he does know better. )
❰ he knew emil would break the silence eventually. though he's walked along quietly so far, it's been with the subtle tension of things still unasked or unsaid. something's on his mind, and knowing emil? it's coming out sooner rather than later.
the false start goes entirely unacknowledged, with lalli's gaze shifting between the buildings around them (they've passed into skadi's city by now, heading roundaboutly in the general honir-ward direction) and the road ahead. and he waits as the seconds go by. as emil pulls together the words he actually wants to say, now that he's taken the leap to say them at all.
'i didn't mean to chase you off. uh. twice.' and again lalli simply says, ❱ I know. ❰ but this time it's a bit softer around the edges. he knows emil meant well. knows that he just wanted to understand.
lalli already apologized for his part, over a half-ruined slice of cake. he doesn't repeat himself now. instead, he takes his own few seconds of silence, though he already knows what he plans to say. then, just as quiet but steady nonetheless: ❱ I didn't know how to be me again. ❰ he doesn't know how else to describe it. ❱ I knew you needed me to be less weak, but I didn't know how. ❰ a slight furrow of his brow, and the faint edge of tired frustration creeps into his tone. ❱ I always know how.
( The 'I know.' is basically expected. It just seems like a very Lalli thing to say to something like that, and it's not like Emile needs more than that anyway. Everything feels like it's basically smoothed over, but it feels good to get out an apology regardless.
It's the rest of it that he feels the urge to balk at. He wanted Lalli to be more open with him, but it still comes as a surprise that his wishes are being fulfilled. To top it off, he didn't really think he'd hear something so...honest? The sentiments also don't fully make sense to him. )
I didn't think about it as being weak -- you aren't. ( Maybe it's because he doesn't have a lot of examples to hold him up to. Maybe it's just the truth. Regardless, it's as true as can be to Emil. Lalli is basically all strength, in how much he does, in how much he can do. Not to mention what all he's had to go through, most of which he isn't even cognizant of. )
I don't expect you to be all yourself after that. Or, I wouldn't have expected it, if I knew.
❰ of course the sentiments don't fully make sense to him. lalli's perspective rarely makes sense to anyone, beyond the surface level. beyond what emil or anyone else gleans in his day-to-day life. lalli knows that. it's one of the main reasons he's never bothered to try and share it.
but that's what emil wanted and that's what emil's getting, at least so long as he doesn't make lalli regret it.
really, there's so many different things he could say to all of that. he can say that he may not be weak now but he was at the time. he can try to explain the ice he nearly fell through in tyr's dorm when klaus decided to talk about it, or the struggle not to drown before that surface froze over at all.
he can say that emil doesn't know anything, and how obvious that is with every single word he speaks, because obviously he expected lalli to be himself - the first sign that something was off sent him storming back to tyr thinking the finn was mad at him.
he can ask why it's always so easy even for emil, of all people, to assume he's just being irrational.
but he doesn't say any of it, for so many reasons. instead, he hums slightly in acknowledgement, and after another few seconds of silence he rolls his shoulders in a bit of a stretch. ❱
I'm tired. ❰ not some big overarching 'i'm exhausted with life', but quite literally 'those shadows kept us up long past bedtime and i'm tired'. ❱
( The most Emil feels he can ask for is for Lalli to talk. He got some talking, so he'll have to live with that. It satisfies him, as is, to have found some sort of medium where that may be possible. There's also quite a bit he's learned from all of this. Adapting approaches, a composite of Lalli's emotional state -- he'll let that sink in more when he's not otherwise preoccupied.
He also agrees with this sentiment: Emil, too, is tired. )
I could sleep. ( Like it's a casual suggestion, not a needed human requirement. He rubs his face absentmindedly, still slowly letting go of that sudden stress. It might be hard to fall asleep, but it'll be worth it once it finally comes.
The walk continues, towards "home." Emil tries to keep the silence this time, mind wandering and continuing the process of winding down. It feels like the thoughts come in spikes; as soon as he tries to push one thing away, something else will come a few moments later. Some are more invasive than others, but most are filled with processing. Thinking about all the things he thought about that feel so ridiculous now, like how he doubted Lalli's continued and consenting connection to him.
It's especially so in hindsight, seeing as they're both walking back to a shared sleeping space, not created by mission or force. It's something he's taken for granted as of late, but it becomes more comforting the longer he sits within the thought. Lalli wouldn't invite him in like that unless he wanted him there. He never seemed the type to appease favors unless he really wanted to.
Saying 'thank you' would feel unnecessary right now, or that it would just get met with a shrug. Hmm...he'll follow the mood and refrain from saying anything. It's better if he keeps it to himself, a nice cushion of surety to help finally calm his nerves. )
❰ and regardless of the ordeal they just waded through, lalli says that he's tired and emil says that he could sleep and it's really as simple as that. as simple as retreating to the quiet and dark of their shared refuge and letting their bodies' need for rest put a few hours of distance between them and the things that lalli said.
for once, emil doesn't break the silence. the occasional glance stolen his way tells lalli that he's no worse for wear because of it, no more lost in his own head than lalli himself is. so the finn sees no reason to interrupt it, not until they've made it back to their room and kicked off their shoes and he's curling up in his nest of bedding beside the foot of emil's mattress. ❱
Goodnight? ❰ there's only the slightest questioning undertone, grasping for any indication that emil is going to be lying awake and ruminating about everything he's learned. ❱
( They've been here a while now. A non-negligible amount of time. If he asked Lalli, he might be able to get an exact number of days. After nine days -- ten? -- well, the point of it is that he lost count. One day seemed to blend into the next, with the additional confusion of sleeping while the sun was out, not even during midsummer season.
It's not just the feeling of time, but how routine and homey certain things felt. Even with a longer amount of time spent in that tank most recently, there was never mistaking that as a place associated with anything other than a job. This, however, is so compact and lived in -- because it is a bedroom. It's messing with him. Adapting to it all is really hitting home now, perhaps because his mind is already doing a lot of wandering.
Emil considers all of this as he strips himself of his shawl, laying it across one of the mostly-bare tables. There's a lot of adapting to do. A new place to be, a new way to wake up and fall asleep. The most pressing matter: adapting to someone who isn't that new. The weight of that feels very present, currently. He could think about that, and so much more, as he adjusts his pillow, the thin blanket. Sleep, though, does sound like the better option. )
Goodnight. ( Emil breathes it out, with the exhaustion in his voice palpable. He will sleep. Eventually. )
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no subject
and one that emil has yet to truly figure out. but that's fine. this isn't the silent world. loath as lalli may be to admit it, emil can afford to be soft here... at least for the most part. ❱
But I can. ❰ the words are decisive, albeit a bit belated. then, in a far more offhanded tone than the words deserve: ❱ You help.
no subject
Oh...? ( Even if the words are said with some indifference, it's a very weighty sentiment to Emil. He's too shaken up still to feel the fully effect of the emotional sensation, but it's certainly positive -- warm. He helps. Not only is it a jolt of an ego boost, but also something much deeper. The feeling of being helpful to someone you care about, especially concerning something so large...and from someone who doesn't lie or say thing unnecessarily.
No matter what Lalli's tone is, it's impossible to make those words unimportant.
Despite the weight those words have for Emil, reacting to them is hard, despite the slight calm they've brought to his body. Sometimes he can't shut up, sometimes he has no idea how to come back at something -- this would be the latter scenario. ) I don't know...I want that, you know? To help.
( A really dumb thing to regurgitate, but that's how he feels suddenly. Very dumb. It's also a choppy explanation of his actions, even if the new context that surrounds them is contributing to the sting he feels. That was his only goal, even if he should have taken the bigger picture into account. Whether or not he could have known is a different story, but it's not wrong to say his impulsive nature is a flaw.
He's a lesson learner. He'll work on it. )
no subject
but while emil does seem to have latched onto this as badly as lalli worried he would, he finds that he's... not as upset by it as he should be. even if it does set them up for disappointment later on, here and now it's infinitely better than the desperate helplessness in his eye when he asked lalli how he could possibly forget. and while emil's words may be impressively obvious (even for him), they earn the slightest raise of an eyebrow and: ❱ I know. ❰ in a dry, patient sort of voice - as if he's just informed lalli that he's a swede.
a moment passes, and he casts a glance up at the tree that started all this. barely colored, with the sick-looking violet patch hanging halfway off as if the tree itself were trying to shed the blight. though it still towers overhead, it somehow seems that much smaller now than it did ten minutes ago. and as if that settles it, he says, ❱
C'mon.
❰ and with a vague reassuring pat on emil's shoulder, he's stepping past him to head off toward the edge of the park. they can walk and talk if they'd like, but there's no need to linger in that spot any longer than they already have. ❱
no subject
The walk is silent for a while. Lalli certainly isn't talkative under most conditions, and it's usually Emil's role to fill in those large gaps with something. Instead, he's pensive. He's not back to normal by any means, and there are a lot of long and frazzled threads smoothing themselves into a coil in his brain.
There's a lot he doesn't know still. About Lalli, about practically everything. But he's a person who puts in effort, even if it's effort on his own terms and pace. This is an instance where he's definitely willing to put in a little. )
I. ( It's a false start for around 10 seconds. There's a vague concept of what he wants to say swirling around his mind, but it takes some of that aforementioned effort to really find out what he wants to say. ) I didn't mean to chase you off. Uh. Twice.
( During those pensive moments, he revisits that guilt that accumulated in his heart when Lalli fled from him both times. How he still feels wronged, but also like he did some wrongs, too. There's a certain convenience in not being able to understand one another. You can plan out words and leave room for feelings to settle, instead of hurling around hurt in a common language.
It would also be really easy to add in some "buts" and "becauses," as well as bring up more concrete mentions of what was just discussed. In certain cases, he does know better. )
no subject
the false start goes entirely unacknowledged, with lalli's gaze shifting between the buildings around them (they've passed into skadi's city by now, heading roundaboutly in the general honir-ward direction) and the road ahead. and he waits as the seconds go by. as emil pulls together the words he actually wants to say, now that he's taken the leap to say them at all.
'i didn't mean to chase you off. uh. twice.' and again lalli simply says, ❱ I know. ❰ but this time it's a bit softer around the edges. he knows emil meant well. knows that he just wanted to understand.
lalli already apologized for his part, over a half-ruined slice of cake. he doesn't repeat himself now. instead, he takes his own few seconds of silence, though he already knows what he plans to say. then, just as quiet but steady nonetheless: ❱ I didn't know how to be me again. ❰ he doesn't know how else to describe it. ❱ I knew you needed me to be less weak, but I didn't know how. ❰ a slight furrow of his brow, and the faint edge of tired frustration creeps into his tone. ❱ I always know how.
no subject
It's the rest of it that he feels the urge to balk at. He wanted Lalli to be more open with him, but it still comes as a surprise that his wishes are being fulfilled. To top it off, he didn't really think he'd hear something so...honest? The sentiments also don't fully make sense to him. )
I didn't think about it as being weak -- you aren't. ( Maybe it's because he doesn't have a lot of examples to hold him up to. Maybe it's just the truth. Regardless, it's as true as can be to Emil. Lalli is basically all strength, in how much he does, in how much he can do. Not to mention what all he's had to go through, most of which he isn't even cognizant of. )
I don't expect you to be all yourself after that. Or, I wouldn't have expected it, if I knew.
no subject
but that's what emil wanted and that's what emil's getting, at least so long as he doesn't make lalli regret it.
really, there's so many different things he could say to all of that. he can say that he may not be weak now but he was at the time. he can try to explain the ice he nearly fell through in tyr's dorm when klaus decided to talk about it, or the struggle not to drown before that surface froze over at all.
he can say that emil doesn't know anything, and how obvious that is with every single word he speaks, because obviously he expected lalli to be himself - the first sign that something was off sent him storming back to tyr thinking the finn was mad at him.
he can ask why it's always so easy even for emil, of all people, to assume he's just being irrational.
but he doesn't say any of it, for so many reasons. instead, he hums slightly in acknowledgement, and after another few seconds of silence he rolls his shoulders in a bit of a stretch. ❱
I'm tired. ❰ not some big overarching 'i'm exhausted with life', but quite literally 'those shadows kept us up long past bedtime and i'm tired'. ❱
no subject
He also agrees with this sentiment: Emil, too, is tired. )
I could sleep. ( Like it's a casual suggestion, not a needed human requirement. He rubs his face absentmindedly, still slowly letting go of that sudden stress. It might be hard to fall asleep, but it'll be worth it once it finally comes.
The walk continues, towards "home." Emil tries to keep the silence this time, mind wandering and continuing the process of winding down. It feels like the thoughts come in spikes; as soon as he tries to push one thing away, something else will come a few moments later. Some are more invasive than others, but most are filled with processing. Thinking about all the things he thought about that feel so ridiculous now, like how he doubted Lalli's continued and consenting connection to him.
It's especially so in hindsight, seeing as they're both walking back to a shared sleeping space, not created by mission or force. It's something he's taken for granted as of late, but it becomes more comforting the longer he sits within the thought. Lalli wouldn't invite him in like that unless he wanted him there. He never seemed the type to appease favors unless he really wanted to.
Saying 'thank you' would feel unnecessary right now, or that it would just get met with a shrug. Hmm...he'll follow the mood and refrain from saying anything. It's better if he keeps it to himself, a nice cushion of surety to help finally calm his nerves. )
no subject
for once, emil doesn't break the silence. the occasional glance stolen his way tells lalli that he's no worse for wear because of it, no more lost in his own head than lalli himself is. so the finn sees no reason to interrupt it, not until they've made it back to their room and kicked off their shoes and he's curling up in his nest of bedding beside the foot of emil's mattress. ❱
Goodnight? ❰ there's only the slightest questioning undertone, grasping for any indication that emil is going to be lying awake and ruminating about everything he's learned. ❱
no subject
It's not just the feeling of time, but how routine and homey certain things felt. Even with a longer amount of time spent in that tank most recently, there was never mistaking that as a place associated with anything other than a job. This, however, is so compact and lived in -- because it is a bedroom. It's messing with him. Adapting to it all is really hitting home now, perhaps because his mind is already doing a lot of wandering.
Emil considers all of this as he strips himself of his shawl, laying it across one of the mostly-bare tables. There's a lot of adapting to do. A new place to be, a new way to wake up and fall asleep. The most pressing matter: adapting to someone who isn't that new. The weight of that feels very present, currently. He could think about that, and so much more, as he adjusts his pillow, the thin blanket. Sleep, though, does sound like the better option. )
Goodnight. ( Emil breathes it out, with the exhaustion in his voice palpable. He will sleep. Eventually. )