[He couldn't make mistakes. Onni had only impressed that on him even more as the years went by. Ms. Frizzle would have given Onni multiple heart attacks...]
Never mind. It won't happen again. And you won't get sick like me. You're going to stay here or be really, really careful.
( His brows furrow amidst his hair and sweater mask. Lalli can be so difficult, but then he's always been sort of difficult...just usually not fluently.
Still, if Lalli's moving on then Emil's not going to press the subject. He's sick after all. He huffs anyway -- he's not a child. )
I'm being careful! I'll go stand in the sun for an hour or two after this if it'll calm you down. ( Emil isn't entirely sure what the deal is with this illness outside of the cats and the bites, but that's makeshift decontamination procedure back home so. Why not? )
[It has nothing to do with him calming down! He is calm! Well, no, he's agitated, and he hasn't really been able to stop being agitated for some reason. He doesn't like it.]
I mean careful with the dumb cats. Stay away from them, or -- or get them before they can get you.
( If Emil finds a cat corpse in this room he might scream. No -- he will scream. )
I'll be fine with the cats. I'm the one who's only been bitten once, remember?
( Actually there have been a few close call scenarios but. Leaving those out in favor of throat clearing. )
And I definitely don't want to kill one unless it's absolutely necessary. ( In reality he's a bleeding heart...but isn't being a little too over zealous with a knife what got Lalli into this mess HMMMMM?? )
[Well, luckily Lalli gave away two of the corpses. The third was kind of torn apart. It's possible there's a hunk of furry flesh caked on the bottom of Lalli's boot, and there's most definitely a jumble of small bones somewhere. It's fine. It's a Mage Thing.]
Mrrrh. Don't be stupid. They're making people sick, making them hate cold and light! They're like trolls, just... Just don't look as gross. But we don't know what's going to happen. If you can't get away, letting them live would be a mistake.
[It's Heavily Implied by his tone that this would be Really Bad and Emil should feel Bad for even considering it an option.]
...I'm not being stupid. I know when I have to kill something.
( He could go on about how he's not going to go hunt out every troll alive and just start whacking at it but he refrains. Emil isn't a fan of feeling like he's on the wrong end of things. Even if that feels routine as of late.
Instead of arguing he disappears for a second, becomes more than a little woozy as the blood rushes away from his head, but returns eventually with another small tin cracker box. They may be a little crumby rimshot.mp3 from being jostled in his pocket but they're food. )
Eat some more. You need to. ( If he's starving after one bite, he can't even imagine the size of the horse Lalli could devour right now. )
[In a brief flash of irritation, Lalli feels like snapping back, but his anger turns on himself instead as he stumbles to hiss out some sort of insult and ends up biting his tongue. Fuck.]
Mrrh. [And like a petulant child, he rolls to face the other direction again.] Doesn't help. Ate -- ate a lot earlier. Too much. It doesn't help at all.
[He narrows his eyes and picks at some floor lint, nails rasping a little as they made contact.]
...I know you're not stupid. [He was definitely being competent enough now to be Lalli's nurse, even with that ridiculous makeshift mask. Didn't mean Lalli wants to declare this any louder than a mumble.] Did you eat?
( This isn't a lie necessarily. He did eat -- soup broth and an unidentifiable vegetable that, based on how it tasted, he's pretty sure was poisonous. Between those and the crackers, though, he's certainly not full. Especially after being soured by that horrid gourd.
Emil rolls again, missing the softly spoken statement and completely content to continue observing Lalli, agitated and fidgety though he may be. )
You don't have to eat them, but if you're hungry and you have food it can't hurt. ( Spoken like a kid who's had three square meals a day most of his life. Emil likes sharing this joy with you, Lalli. Let him... )
[His fidgeting stops a moment, and then he glances up to meet Emil's gaze once more. Nnnnh...
Slowly, he reaches out to take it. It wasn't sweet, and it wouldn't satisfy him, and his stomach would protest at how much he was eating later, but -- but Emil was trying. He should try, too.]
...Emil. If I start to...be less me. And I don't go back. [If he changes, becomes one of them, is stuck dragging himself across floors and skittering on walls while only thinking of pain and his next meal.] Will you do it?
[that awkward moment when your best friend asks you about assisted suicide]
( ...That's literally not what could ever cross his mind when Lalli asks that question. Which is why he nonchalantly tilts his head, blinking in confusion. )
Mm? Do what?
( Water your plants? Help blow your troll nose? File your taxes? Emil isn't convinced Lalli is going to turn into some werecat creature. He's concerned about the flu but not that he'd ever have to kill him. )
[Theres a harder edge to his tone, now. There was no guarantee that his worst fears would come to pass, but it wasn't like there was no basis for it. He knew the signs. They'd been drilled into him since before he could comprehend their real meaning, the cost of living in an area where a group of people could be swept away before you knew it. Even the people he lived with. Emil's response made it seem like he wasn't taking this seriously at all, and it made the easy anger from the bites flare up again.]
You said you know when you have to kill something. Can you do it?
( The realization of what Lalli means hits him after he says the word "kill" and his eyes go wide and his face freezes. The question after that doesn't register, but a crushing weight on his chest does. Holy shit. Holy shit.
Even in the case of there being real infection going around in the silent world, Emil never considered a teammate actually being affected. The possibility was present, that's what decontamination procedures are for, no matter how pedantic and boring they may be...but that applied to freaks like Reynir or to Tuuri. To think of Lalli infected to the point of change was impossible, and so it was never even a "what if" scenario to play around with in his mind. )
What? No...! No, I-- No! ( He trails off, unable to find the ability to reiterate the words, even in a rejection. Emil has trouble mercy killing a dog, how in the hell is he supposed to help kill his best friend? Emil sits up, breaking eye contact in an attempt to let it sink in, almost immediately in a panic. Not only is he thinking about the idea of killing Lalli, even if he doesn't look like Lalli, but the idea that Lalli just asked him himself. )
( Emil doesn't immediately lay back down, but instead speaks from where he's sitting. It's been about a minute since he sat up. He starts once but then shifts his makeshift sanitary mask to make sure Lalli can hear him. )
Is that what you want me to do? If that ever happens? ( His voice is softer, shaken and much more timid. Because if Lalli wants him to, then... )
[He sucks in a hard breath at that refusal, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing that cutting off other things could be as easy at that. But then Emil's speaking again, and the churning in his gut rolls into a new direction.
Carefully, Lalli crawls out from his nest, the scratchy blanket Emil brought with him the only one that he pulls around himself. He tries not to tremble as he reaches out, brushing some hair away from Emil's face. Gentle. Reassuring.]
I don't want to be...not me. Don't let me. ...Please.
( He's startled by Lalli's sudden appearance, and even more so by his sudden contact, especially considering his assurance that if Emil even breathed the same air as him he'd be dead within a day. Emil wasn't questioning Lalli's seriousness before, but this obvious sign of commitment to the idea makes his stomach turn more than flutter. )
I...can't. ( Emil starts to look away, feeling so ill suddenly and not wanting to make eye contact for fear of reacting very, very badly -- but no, he instead looks like at Lalli and finishes as best he can. )
I can't promise you but. I can try if that's what you want. ( Usually he'd say find it in him to say yes as best as possible. He can't commit to 'yes' on this. )
[It hurts. He wishes it didn't hurt. He wishes he understood just why it did. Maybe it was the realization yet again that Emil had no idea how bad things were, and the mere fact that Lalli was asking this of him meant that Lalli was failing at protecting him. Maybe it was just that it made it seem like Emil didn't trust in him to know what was best. That would be silly. Lalli knew about the dog, knew how hard it was for Emil to march out there to this creature whining in pain and giving itself up, and plunge his knife in, even with how hideous and wrecked it was. It was a monster. Lalli was a person. A friend.
It scares him that he thinks how it would be a lot easier for him to do it. He could. He's sure of it, even if it was Emil, or Tuuri. He would have to. Right?
...He doesn't want to think about it anymore.]
Okay. [He voice is quiet, and his throat feels dry and scratchy. His hand falls, and his eyelids follow suit while he leans against the side of the mattress and shivers.] ...Okay.
[He traces the rim of the tin, then cracks it open and sets it between them so they can share the crackers. He's too tired to crawl back to bed, as ridiculous as that is.]
( Emil suddenly finds it too exhausting to think about it much any more. It's a little weird to think that something he was sure wasn't much more than a flea bitten nuisance (post-bite feelings, anyway) is suddenly something so devastating. Right now he can't say that cats really are fiendish creatures.
Some might think it would be normal for him to be wary of all things of this nature, but he's still not good at putting dots together and facing harsh realities. Emil has learned to trust others -- to trust Lalli -- and it's a hard pill to swallow still that he's not the gung ho hero he thought he would be.
Emil watches Lalli slumping, shivering and goes to make sure his blanket is tucked in and secure to stave off the cold. He also fixes his hair, grazing one of Lalli's lynx ears and suddenly becomes aware of how cold the thin flesh is.
The hand stays there for a moment before it recedes. He considers the cracker tin for a second but again retracts his hand. As hungry as he is, the thought of putting something on his stomach is the worse fate. )
Do you need help? ( Emil switches mental gears. He's not convinced that under the bed is better but if that's where Lalli is more comfortable, this is an argument he'll again put a pin in.
...or maybe more all of his blankets up top and hope he accepts beds are indeed the greatest invention ever made. )
[His ear flicks automatically at the contact, and for a moment Lalli is torn between smacking Emil away and giving in to the impulse to deepen the contact. Instead of either of those, he just...watches, eyes cracked open to slits so he can silently ask what the heck he's doing. His blankets...]
( There's the old Lalli he knows. Just like the good ol' days. Emil just barely avoids the path of his weakly flailing limb. Wasn't he supposed to avoid this kind of thing.
( no go back to not using your words ) Too much...?
( Despite Lalli's RUDENESS, Emil will forgive him because...it's been a long day. And because he's Lalli but whatever. )
Sure...err. ( It takes him a second to try and shake off the heavy, lingering negativity to try and find something to chatter about. ) Things have been going okay. I've met some decent people... I might have a job soon, and it's not a droll manual labor position eith--
( He cuts himself short, suddenly aware maybe talking about Merriwynne in positive contexts is insensitive. ) Or if you want to talk about home stuff, I can do that too.
[His eyes shut again and his breathing slows, but Lalli's ears are alert and adjusting with each dip and wave of Emil's voice. The cadence was familiar. It was something he'd long since gotten used to, during their time in Denmark and the couple days before. Understanding every word was still new. Wonderful.
He hums when Emil pauses, and shifts to bury his face fully into the mattress.]
It's okay. I just like your voice.
[So talking "too much" wasn't actually a problem, just a fact.]
People here are weird. But not so mean I think. Did...you make friends?
[He feels like Onni, now, genuinely curious over this little thing and kind of fretting over it. Not entirely in a good way, either. There's a clawing creature-shaped thing in his gut getting agitated over the thought of Emil finding better, more normal friends and dropping him like a sack of potatoes, and with how sick he already feels he's not inclined to do much about it. But on the other hand, if someone was being mean to Emil, then he might have to do something about that. If he didn't, you know, die.]
( Emil gets comfortable, folding his hands into the sweater-turned-mask-turned-muff. )
I don't think friends. I haven't known anyone that long. But so far they're nice. ( He can't think of anyone who's been outright rude to him yet minus Lalli. ) Maybe we can be friends one day.
( Which...Emil isn't exactly adverse to the idea, but he hasn't clicked with anyone past a very base level of politeness. Don't worry Lalli, your #1 spot isn't in danger of being threatened. )
In any case, I'm glad you're here. It'd be pretty dull otherwise. ( Which is 100% true. His dorm room is almost empty, he hasn't spoken really to the girl living there, and he's not sure what to do with himself most of the time. Lalli being there gives him a sense of purpose and comfort.
...Oh no, thinking like that circled him back to the idea having to kill him. Calm down chest tightness. Calm down heavy-breathing lungs!! )
...We didn't know each other that long when I thought -- I told Onni. That I thought you were probably my friend. Was that wrong?
[Augh, it's embarrassing to say out loud, and he squeezes his eyes shut tighter like that's going to help make these complicated feelings go away. He listens harder, lynx ears pointed, expectant. Nnnnh, that breathing wasn't great. More reminders of Onni.]
I'm not crying! ( Which is true, and jolts him out of his panic...somewhat. When he goes home, if he goes home, he'll probably have an aneurysm. Keep it together for now, Emil. )
That's...that's different.
( He thinks for a moment whether or not he can articulate why or how it's different, but it's just. Different. Some things he gets, some he doesn't. )
I mean. You saved me, after all. You saved all of us. ( Sort of sheepishly admitted. That kind of instant respect doesn't come cheap from Emil Västerström. From there...he doesn't really know, he just became so endeared. Either way, unless someone saves him from a burning building or something it's a pretty hard thing to duplicate.
Even then...well, it's hard to imagine they'd replace or surpass Lalli, dead or not. )
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[He couldn't make mistakes. Onni had only impressed that on him even more as the years went by. Ms. Frizzle would have given Onni multiple heart attacks...]
Never mind. It won't happen again. And you won't get sick like me. You're going to stay here or be really, really careful.
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Still, if Lalli's moving on then Emil's not going to press the subject. He's sick after all. He huffs anyway -- he's not a child. )
I'm being careful! I'll go stand in the sun for an hour or two after this if it'll calm you down. ( Emil isn't entirely sure what the deal is with this illness outside of the cats and the bites, but that's makeshift decontamination procedure back home so. Why not? )
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[It has nothing to do with him calming down! He is calm! Well, no, he's agitated, and he hasn't really been able to stop being agitated for some reason. He doesn't like it.]
I mean careful with the dumb cats. Stay away from them, or -- or get them before they can get you.
[he might have made more than one corpse]
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I'll be fine with the cats. I'm the one who's only been bitten once, remember?
( Actually there have been a few close call scenarios but. Leaving those out in favor of throat clearing. )
And I definitely don't want to kill one unless it's absolutely necessary. ( In reality he's a bleeding heart...but isn't being a little too over zealous with a knife what got Lalli into this mess HMMMMM?? )
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Mrrrh. Don't be stupid. They're making people sick, making them hate cold and light! They're like trolls, just... Just don't look as gross. But we don't know what's going to happen. If you can't get away, letting them live would be a mistake.
[It's Heavily Implied by his tone that this would be Really Bad and Emil should feel Bad for even considering it an option.]
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...I'm not being stupid. I know when I have to kill something.
( He could go on about how he's not going to go hunt out every troll alive and just start whacking at it but he refrains. Emil isn't a fan of feeling like he's on the wrong end of things. Even if that feels routine as of late.
Instead of arguing he disappears for a second, becomes more than a little woozy as the blood rushes away from his head, but returns eventually with another small tin cracker box. They may be a little crumby
rimshot.mp3from being jostled in his pocket but they're food. )Eat some more. You need to. ( If he's starving after one bite, he can't even imagine the size of the horse Lalli could devour right now. )
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Mrrh. [And like a petulant child, he rolls to face the other direction again.] Doesn't help. Ate -- ate a lot earlier. Too much. It doesn't help at all.
[He narrows his eyes and picks at some floor lint, nails rasping a little as they made contact.]
...I know you're not stupid. [He was definitely being competent enough now to be Lalli's nurse, even with that ridiculous makeshift mask. Didn't mean Lalli wants to declare this any louder than a mumble.] Did you eat?
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( This isn't a lie necessarily. He did eat -- soup broth and an unidentifiable vegetable that, based on how it tasted, he's pretty sure was poisonous. Between those and the crackers, though, he's certainly not full. Especially after being soured by that horrid gourd.
Emil rolls again, missing the softly spoken statement and completely content to continue observing Lalli, agitated and fidgety though he may be. )
You don't have to eat them, but if you're hungry and you have food it can't hurt. ( Spoken like a kid who's had three square meals a day most of his life. Emil likes sharing this joy with you, Lalli. Let him... )
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Slowly, he reaches out to take it. It wasn't sweet, and it wouldn't satisfy him, and his stomach would protest at how much he was eating later, but -- but Emil was trying. He should try, too.]
...Emil. If I start to...be less me. And I don't go back. [If he changes, becomes one of them, is stuck dragging himself across floors and skittering on walls while only thinking of pain and his next meal.] Will you do it?
[that awkward moment when your best friend asks you about assisted suicide]
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Mm? Do what?
( Water your plants? Help blow your troll nose? File your taxes? Emil isn't convinced Lalli is going to turn into some werecat creature. He's concerned about the flu but not that he'd ever have to kill him. )
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[Theres a harder edge to his tone, now. There was no guarantee that his worst fears would come to pass, but it wasn't like there was no basis for it. He knew the signs. They'd been drilled into him since before he could comprehend their real meaning, the cost of living in an area where a group of people could be swept away before you knew it. Even the people he lived with. Emil's response made it seem like he wasn't taking this seriously at all, and it made the easy anger from the bites flare up again.]
You said you know when you have to kill something. Can you do it?
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Even in the case of there being real infection going around in the silent world, Emil never considered a teammate actually being affected. The possibility was present, that's what decontamination procedures are for, no matter how pedantic and boring they may be...but that applied to freaks like Reynir or to Tuuri. To think of Lalli infected to the point of change was impossible, and so it was never even a "what if" scenario to play around with in his mind. )
What? No...! No, I-- No! ( He trails off, unable to find the ability to reiterate the words, even in a rejection. Emil has trouble mercy killing a dog, how in the hell is he supposed to help kill his best friend? Emil sits up, breaking eye contact in an attempt to let it sink in, almost immediately in a panic. Not only is he thinking about the idea of killing Lalli, even if he doesn't look like Lalli, but the idea that Lalli just asked him himself. )
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Is that what you want me to do? If that ever happens? ( His voice is softer, shaken and much more timid. Because if Lalli wants him to, then... )
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Carefully, Lalli crawls out from his nest, the scratchy blanket Emil brought with him the only one that he pulls around himself. He tries not to tremble as he reaches out, brushing some hair away from Emil's face. Gentle. Reassuring.]
I don't want to be...not me. Don't let me. ...Please.
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I...can't. ( Emil starts to look away, feeling so ill suddenly and not wanting to make eye contact for fear of reacting very, very badly -- but no, he instead looks like at Lalli and finishes as best he can. )
I can't promise you but. I can try if that's what you want. ( Usually he'd say find it in him to say yes as best as possible. He can't commit to 'yes' on this. )
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It scares him that he thinks how it would be a lot easier for him to do it. He could. He's sure of it, even if it was Emil, or Tuuri. He would have to. Right?
...He doesn't want to think about it anymore.]
Okay. [He voice is quiet, and his throat feels dry and scratchy. His hand falls, and his eyelids follow suit while he leans against the side of the mattress and shivers.] ...Okay.
[He traces the rim of the tin, then cracks it open and sets it between them so they can share the crackers. He's too tired to crawl back to bed, as ridiculous as that is.]
...Why are cats always like this? Bad.
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( Emil suddenly finds it too exhausting to think about it much any more. It's a little weird to think that something he was sure wasn't much more than a flea bitten nuisance (post-bite feelings, anyway) is suddenly something so devastating. Right now he can't say that cats really are fiendish creatures.
Some might think it would be normal for him to be wary of all things of this nature, but he's still not good at putting dots together and facing harsh realities. Emil has learned to trust others -- to trust Lalli -- and it's a hard pill to swallow still that he's not the gung ho hero he thought he would be.
Emil watches Lalli slumping, shivering and goes to make sure his blanket is tucked in and secure to stave off the cold. He also fixes his hair, grazing one of Lalli's lynx ears and suddenly becomes aware of how cold the thin flesh is.
The hand stays there for a moment before it recedes. He considers the cracker tin for a second but again retracts his hand. As hungry as he is, the thought of putting something on his stomach is the worse fate. )
Do you need help? ( Emil switches mental gears. He's not convinced that under the bed is better but if that's where Lalli is more comfortable, this is an argument he'll again put a pin in.
...or maybe more all of his blankets up top and hope he accepts beds are indeed the greatest invention ever made. )
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Nngh...
[what if he just uselessly flailed an arm at him]
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( There's the old Lalli he knows. Just like the good ol' days. Emil just barely avoids the path of his weakly flailing limb. Wasn't he supposed to avoid this kind of thing.
Oops, his "mask" is still off too... )
If you mean "no" you can just say so!
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[use ur words........
He brings his limbs back to himself, once more weighing his options. Sounds like a hassle.]
...No. [Right? Probably.] ...Will you talk to me? Like you do. Always talking too much.
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( Despite Lalli's RUDENESS, Emil will forgive him because...it's been a long day. And because he's Lalli but whatever. )
Sure...err. ( It takes him a second to try and shake off the heavy, lingering negativity to try and find something to chatter about. ) Things have been going okay. I've met some decent people... I might have a job soon, and it's not a droll manual labor position eith--
( He cuts himself short, suddenly aware maybe talking about Merriwynne in positive contexts is insensitive. ) Or if you want to talk about home stuff, I can do that too.
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He hums when Emil pauses, and shifts to bury his face fully into the mattress.]
It's okay. I just like your voice.
[So talking "too much" wasn't actually a problem, just a fact.]
People here are weird. But not so mean I think. Did...you make friends?
[He feels like Onni, now, genuinely curious over this little thing and kind of fretting over it. Not entirely in a good way, either. There's a clawing creature-shaped thing in his gut getting agitated over the thought of Emil finding better, more normal friends and dropping him like a sack of potatoes, and with how sick he already feels he's not inclined to do much about it. But on the other hand, if someone was being mean to Emil, then he might have to do something about that. If he didn't, you know, die.]
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I don't think friends. I haven't known anyone that long. But so far they're nice. ( He can't think of anyone who's been outright rude to him yet
minus Lalli. ) Maybe we can be friends one day.( Which...Emil isn't exactly adverse to the idea, but he hasn't clicked with anyone past a very base level of politeness. Don't worry Lalli, your #1 spot isn't in danger of being threatened. )
In any case, I'm glad you're here. It'd be pretty dull otherwise. ( Which is 100% true. His dorm room is almost empty, he hasn't spoken really to the girl living there, and he's not sure what to do with himself most of the time. Lalli being there gives him a sense of purpose and comfort.
...Oh no, thinking like that circled him back to the idea having to kill him. Calm down chest tightness. Calm down heavy-breathing lungs!! )
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[Augh, it's embarrassing to say out loud, and he squeezes his eyes shut tighter like that's going to help make these complicated feelings go away. He listens harder, lynx ears pointed, expectant. Nnnnh, that breathing wasn't great. More reminders of Onni.]
Don't cry. You are okay.
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That's...that's different.
( He thinks for a moment whether or not he can articulate why or how it's different, but it's just. Different. Some things he gets, some he doesn't. )
I mean. You saved me, after all. You saved all of us. ( Sort of sheepishly admitted. That kind of instant respect doesn't come cheap from Emil Västerström. From there...he doesn't really know, he just became so endeared. Either way, unless someone saves him from a burning building or something it's a pretty hard thing to duplicate.
Even then...well, it's hard to imagine they'd replace or surpass Lalli, dead or not. )
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